yourbeloved:

I went to a meeting that was completely unnecessary. I rushed home to finish more homework. I read your words. I didn’t think. I couldn’t think. It felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. I ran to the bathroom. Our vent is always on. It won’t shut off. My room was far too quiet. I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. At one point, I began to vomit. I haven’t felt this terrible in a very long time. I didn’t know what to think. I still don’t know what to think.

This complicates everything. It changes all of this. This isn’t something your medication gets rid of. This is here forever. This will never go away. This is permanent. There is no cure. There is no nothing. You will have these symptoms for the rest of your life. I can’t help you. I think that’s the most painful part of it, I can’t do anything to make you feel better. I can’t say anything to make you feel okay. I care so much about you. I don’t even know if I’m suppose to. It feels like someone died.

I walked out of the bathroom to find my roommate waiting for me. She had heard all of it. She didn’t say anything. She held me and I cried. She didn’t ask any questions, she just held me as I sobbed on the bathroom floor. Things had built up, things were out of control and they were everywhere now. I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t change a thing. That one word. That one word tore me to pieces. It’s like you’re gone now. I understand things better, but I want to fix them. I want to hold you and I want to make you feel okay again. That’s all I want. Please feel better. Please feel better. Please feel better. Please be okay again. I think you lied to me. In a sense, you probably have your reasons for lying. You can’t help this, right? You can’t control anything.

You are so perfect. I want to show you love. I want to show you how much I love you. I do. I can say it and feel okay about it. I want you to feel it. I want you to see it. Please feel it.

She will make you happy. I bet she’s not someone you have to be embarrassed about.

This is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt and I can’t describe it. Your name makes me physically sick. The thought of this makes me physically sick. My throat tightens and my stomach goes into shock. Thank you.